Man and sexual relationships

Dr. Arthur specially for “Vakara Zinas”

“Man is always up for sex…”- it is stereotype which still is circulating in society. This time I’ll talk about different issue: why in some cases man is avoiding – running away – from sexual contacts, tries to have only friendly relationships with women, but if these relationships start to become closer, they end them in various ways.

At a first glance such situation seems impossible and some may think that this guy is having untraditional sexual orientation, but it’s little bit different here. How often such situations are common in life, it’s hard to tell, because this article is based just on few real stories – situations, when a man, seeking solution has been at my consultations.

Inferiority complex

In all the cases there is one common thing: man has noticed some more or less important problem in development or structure of his genitals or if he’s been unlucky in one or several sexual contacts before. Most often that happens with man in his puberty years (14-16 years). When he’s shy to solve these problems or at least find out about them at the specialist, inferiority complex grows – this guy doesn’t consider himself a “real man” and with time (in about 4 to 7 years) “kills” himself as a man. Second characteristic feature shows up – psychological problems of assessing himself as a man. To better understand this situation, I’ll tell you some samples from life.

Erection disappears during the contact

There came 26 years old man to consultation with complaints about erection disorder – during the contact erection becomes less intensive until it disappears at all. He has had only three sexual contacts (at age 16, 18 and 20), all with different partners. All of them had been unsuccessful because coming close to the climax moment, erection had gone. Since guy had been masturbating since age 14, he blamed all the problems on that. Since first contact, for 10 years (!), this man has been living with thought that he’s not “normal” and is not capable of anything like that. Following contacts had just confirmed his verdict. After his unsuccessful contact at age 20 this man literally was running away from close intimate situations and slowly alienated from others. But, have to say, happily for him, he found a woman who seemed very attractive to him. Inner fears and confrontations about another possible failure gave him motivation to come to consultation. It took less than a month until this man had a normal sexual life with this woman. Few advice and recommendations – and issue were solved.

Pain during the sex

Next situation – at age 15 guy noticed that during erection his foreskin is not fully uncovering the head of the penis, but didn’t pay any attention to that. At age 17 he had his first sexual contact which might be considered half successful, since at very important moment – right before ejaculation, when penis is the biggest – he felt really bad pain at foreskin ring, which caused the erection to come down. Next sexual contact for this man was only at age 23 and it had the same scenario: pain and loss of erection. He dared to come for help only at age 28.there was found a partial phimosis of the foreskin, which was healed successfully in 6 weeks and as far as I know, right now this man is living a happy family life.

As soon as pants are down, everything is over

As last situation I’ll mention a situation of quick or premature ejaculation. Have to say that situations like this are very common and this one is just one of many. This 25 years old man visited consultation to prevent his premature ejaculation. In his life he had had 2 unsuccessful contacts: one at age 17, another – age 21. They both had been dramatic, because guy hasn’t managed to take his pants off while everything already had happened. Ashamed and disappointed he dressed up and left his girlfriend without explanations. After last contact he avoided to start any new contacts except virtual ones. He lived in constant stress about future. In the same situation are the men, who after inserting penis into woman have quick ejaculation. With time these fears only grow and man going for sexual contact already mentally prepares himself so everything happened exactly like that. This time cure took more time, because man had to learn how to control himself, dare to start new relationships and continue them.

To break a stereotype

These are jus few situations, reasons, why men have avoided to involve in relationship, start sexual contact and stopped relationships without any noticeable reasons. There are comparably many reasons like this, because three stories told above are just top part of the iceberg.

The purpose of this article is to break a stereotype that man is always up for sex, to show that men also can have different problems. Those are issues which are in base of long lasting relationships.

But there’s also something positive in all this – all these problems are solvable! You just have to dare to talk about them and seek a solution! I don’t think that you should grow different inferiority complexes inside you for years or even tens of years! That’s why I would like to invite all men: dare to talk about things which concern you, don’t keep them inside!

Sex on the internet in 1998 and beyond
Abnormal sexuality: answers