Magazine “LABA” #27 01.-07.07.2002.
Why didn’t he tell me that?
I m writing you because I needed to tell to someone about what happened. Not sure if this is going to help me, because since what happened has passed already couple of moths, but it still hurts as if it was only yesterday. With my mind I understand that it’s nobody’s fault, nothing THAT serious hasn’t happened. Did he lie to me, pretended, played games with me, cheated.yes and no. I can find a lot of rough words which, crying in a pillow, I could dedicate to him. Some relief was the thought that about what happened, or more precisely – didn’t happen, new only my best friend and diary. Now also you will find it out, dear “LABA”.
I met Atis and Maris (names are changed) at school’s Christmas event. Atis caught my attention right away – he was tall, dressed with style and unlike many guys from our school he wasn’t drunk and didn’t offend girls passing by (not with words or acts). As if by accident I stopped next to him and tried to start a conversation. Although in a beginning I didn’t seem too lucky, with time I managed to win his attention because he same as me loved reading, good movies and music. I found out that Atis and Maris are first year students in one of universities.
That attracted me even more, because after high school I wanted to go to that university myself. I couldn’t stop talking because it turned out that we’re interested in same things. When the party was over, both guys walked me home and we exchanged with phone numbers and promised to call each other. When I finally found courage to call him, Atis wasn’t too surprised about my call and honestly, secretly I was expecting more excitement from his side.
Though we did set the date, at which we went to a movie, then another one movie date, then another one at café. We talked about this and that, together with Atis I felt like we know each other for eternity. Sometimes Maris joined us. In the beginning it didn’t bug me too much – he was a nice guy, had read a lot, was interested in computers. With time my feelings towards Atis grew stronger and I started to wish spend some time with him alone, enjoy his tender touches, caresses. I didn’t exclude an idea of something more.
But although Atis was really nice towards me and I felt that he likes me, he never allowed himself anything more than accidental touches. So when he invited me to a boat trip, I was really excited. I imagined how we are sitting in same boat, then shoulder to shoulder by the fire, then after we both in one tent.Everything happed like that.almost.Atis put me into one boat with his course-mate – girl who was experienced at boating, though at the fireplace, he actually sat right next to me, but in a tent which I had specially prepared for both of us I suddenly ran into him together with Maris.in incontestable situation.
I don’t remember how I got home, I couldn’t describe the feelings I had suffocating me – disappointment, pain, shame, humiliation, anger. Now when time has passed and first wave of pain and anger has passed, I have one question left – why didn’t he tell me anything? Why he was playing with my feelings? Why? Laila.
Laila’s letter has started numerous ponderings, with which to share we’ve asked a specialist. The help wasn’t refused by head of the AIDS portal Dr. Arthur.
One of the most disputable and the most arguable topics, speaking about persons sexuality is connected to so-called non traditional orientation – homosexuality and bi-sexuality. Attitude and opinion of society, church, medics is not similar and sometimes even radically different.